I Will Go Down With This Ship!
by bumble.bee.kawaii
Summary: In which the professors of Hogwarts have a rather heated discussion over ships, OTP's and Lemon drops- because we all know that teachers are the biggest shippers... One-shot CRACK-FIC


Words: 1,212  
>Genre: Humour, Parody<br>Rating: T 

**I Will Go Down With This Ship**

It had been a surprisingly uneventful day back at Hogwarts. The school was almost fully repaired and the half burnt sorting hat sang just as enthusiastically as ever. It was almost strange for the school to be this peaceful, Minerva hoped it would last, but with Potter and the rest of the gang that future looked bleak. Taking a deep breath Minerva glanced towards the grandfather-clock standing opposite to the pensieve. Just past eight, the other staff would arrive soon for their weekly updates. As if on cue the doors of the head's office swung open, Filius, Pomona, Poppy, Hagrid and Horace filtered in- as usual, Argus had decided to sit it out.

"Minnie, Severus, Albus." They greeted the respective portraits and the Headmistress. Minnie smiled and the said portraits nodded in acknowledgement.

"Now," She said, "are there any issues we would like to raise other than the very obvious concerns of rebuilding whilst classes are proceeding?" She looked at them expectantly, eye-brows raised.

"Minerva, if I may," Albus's portrait said after a few moments, Minerva nodded. "How are Harry and Ginny? The last time I saw them there was quite a bit of tension."

There was an awkward moment before McGonagall replied, "They are fine Albus, and perfectly content with each other if you catch my meaning." Minerva shuddered slightly at the weird twinkle that appeared in his eyes.

"Ah, good, I always imagined that they'd be good together, they're totes adorbs. Say, how's Ron fairing with all this." He said all this without taking a breath.

"Alright I s'pose. He's a tad preoccupied with Hermione at the moment." Hagrid said, finally speaking up.

At this moment, Snape decided to participate in the conversation. "Fascinating," he drawled, "that idiot Weasely finally did something right. I hope Miss Granger manages to keep him in place, although I dare say, opposites do attract. In fact, I might be so bold to say that they are my, ah ship."

As though it had been rather well timed, Minerva took a rather long sip of her tea, and then proceeded to spew it up. Why had she agreed to take this post again?

"Oh!" the charms teacher squeaked, "Speaking of opposites I do recall hearing a rather disturbing rumour that Luna Lovegood and Blaise Zambini were going out. Personally I had always thought of Neville and Luna being a particularly good match, anyone else?"

"I always thought that Neville was much too timid for such a brash girl. I think that someone from as elite family with manners beaten into them like Zambini would do her some good- calm her down a bit maybe." Pomona interjected immediately. This led to a few complaints before Minnie interjected.

"Personally, Ginny and Neville were always my OTP. And Harry and Luna were always quite cutesy."

"Really Minerva, they tried and it didn't last. I say, Hinny forever! 'Till the death!" exclaimed Dumbledore. "I even wrote a fanfiction about them!" rather worryingly, drool began to seep from his mouth.

Passing through the portraits, Snape snapped up the cluttered parchment and skimmed through it. "That's what you're calling this blasphemy, Albus? I've never read such an m-rated atrocity in my life!"

"NOOO!" cried Dumbledore literally lunging himself at Snape and the said atrocity, "don't read them! They're my babies, my life's work! It's too embarrassing!" he tackled Snape again in a desperate attempt to regain his babies and his dignity. "You think they're good Horace, don't you?" her looked up with pleading eyes as Snape sat back in his own portrait smirking victoriously to himself, Albus's life's work in hand.

He opened his mouth and began the tale after the short AN consisting of the usual apologies for not updating for three months to the few followers he had. ""Harry", said Ginny abruptly, "I think that we should name our second child Albus Severus."" Snape looked up from the fanfic for a moment and gave Albus a long, hard stare as if to say, _'Really Albus? Really? This of all things?' _before he resumed reading out loud, "Harry smiled and nodded as he carved the names of his soon-to-be child using _sectemsempra_ on his left forearm and doing the same to Ginny. She gasped, it's beau-" then Snape proceeded to rip the story into about a billion itty, bitty pieces and toss them into the fire, conveniently painted close to his table.

Albus stood up, outraged, "How- HOW DARE YOU! YOU INSUFFERABLE SLIMY HAIRED BA-"

"Albus." Poppy warned, "Strenuous activity not good for your health. And I'm sure it's just because the feels were just too much for Severus to take."

Albus took a deep breath and sighed heavily, "Is that right Severus?"

"Pfft, no." Snape stuck his abnormally large noise further into the air. Tension in the room was thick; the only sound that could be heard was the clock clicking after each second. Finally he said, "What _is_ that _mysterious_ ticking noise?"

"It's the er… clock Severus."

Another pause and Dumbledore getting more agitated by the second, and then, he exploded- like really _exploded._ "YOU COLD HEARTED SO AND SO, TO THINK THAT I ACTUALLY PUT MY FAITH IN YOU IS JUST- JUST… YOU DISGUST ME! HARRY WAS RIGHT! HOW DARE YOU SIT WHERE I SAT, TELL THEM WHAT YOU DID THAT… NO, THIS NIGHT; A FIC WHO TRUSTED YOU AND KILLED HIM! YOU FANFIC MURDERER!" At this, Dumbledore – a man of many admirers due to his quick thinking, decisive planning and the ability to act calm in seemingly any situation- had to be restrained by several other portraits. This took quite some time as there was an awful lot of squabbling involved and back up was needed- thankfully it was at hand. All a while, Snape sat there and drank his bitter coffee, eyes gleaming.

"Have you quite managed to calm yourself Albus?" Minerva asked.

"Yes. It wasn't I who was out of line of course." He said, regaining his usual creepy enthusiasm. "Snivelous."

"Bumblebee." Snape retorted.

"If I have permission to speak, Jily is sooo my OTP- they're just so kawaii! I even have a picture of them which I always keep in my pocket!" Horace squealed suddenly, out of character from his usual persona, and proceeded to pull out a moving picture of James and Lily with the words Jily scrawled messily underneath with what looked like his own blood. "That's them on their first date! The quality isn't as good as I wanted though- I had to follow them in a bush. But anyways, the _feels!_

It was then that Minerva woke up with an ear-splitting migraine. She glanced at the clock; it was almost eight o'clock the weekly staff meeting was soon to begin. Glancing suspiciously between the portraits of Headmaster Dumbledore and Headmaster Snape, she suddenly recollected the dream she'd just had. That Ministry job Kingsley had offered suddenly seemed much more appealing. Yes, she definitely needed a holiday. Staring betrayed down at the sweet in her hand Minerva swore never to buy the Lemon Drops Albus had to her suggested ever again.

It was safe to say that Minerva took Argus's advice for once and cancelled the meeting and after a very serious complaint Honeydukes had officially taken 'Muggle Lemon Drops' off the menu.


End file.
